2008 Woodie Awards
Cramer harrows hallowed homecoming
Jeff Cramer
Issue date: 10/27/04 Section: Advice
Another week has passed, and it will soon be Hallo-homecoming. Everybody is busy preparing for the dead people party and the big game against Texas State, but before we discuss the magical Hallo-homecoming holiday, we should hit on a few questions of the student body and mind. Actually, I do not "mind" their "bodies" at all. I apologize, and now on to the questions.
The first question comes from Lee Ann Grooves, who is a junior in nursing. She asks, "Who do you think should be the homecoming queen?" Before I answer this question, I need to suggest that we take a trip to two mystiforous places. First, we need to visit England because I hear it is full of royalty and is also a land of high-accented activities. It is a great country where people dress like it is the future, call us Americans colonists and say words like "groovy," "swing" and "bugger." Without words like these, characters like Austin Powers would lose most of their luster and die in a fit of monotonous orthodoxy. And let us not forget Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The producers probably would have killed him off quickly if he had been American. The second locale we need to visit is Crystal's. I have heard it has some of the most fabulous queens in Lake Charles. Before ever going to Crystal's, I did not realize that Lake Charles had any royalty. I knew there were Queens in New York, but that I learned from "Coming to America." In conclusion, by default of my being too lazy to travel or drink anymore, I hereby proclaim that you, Lee Ann, may be queen.
My second question is from the Internet, or rather from a man who e-mailed me via the Internet and wants to be referred to as Q. I guess he likes Star Trek. He asks, "Why do older women hit on me, and why do women my age have kids?" Older women obviously hit on you because you go by "Q." If I went by "J," all of the older ladies would think I was from "Men in Black" and totally dig me with the hope of unlocking the secrets of an imaginative world of fantasy. The reason women your age have babies is because they had "the sex" and became laid with seed, or pregnant. This means they fell for one of the oldest stories in the world. They either bought into the "I love you" game, or they fell for the whole "Let's get married; I will love you always" routine. Everyone knows the only lasting relationships are with best friends or older people who cannot find anyone else. Of course, I guess this means you need to take your chances with the older women and love them, Q. Older women are like me, wounded souls looking for a nice bosom to lay their weary heads upon. Doth thy not believe in the love of the human heart. Doth thee not relish in the jar of life. Then love, Sir Q, and be loved. For death comes only to those alone and scared of love.
That does it for this week. If you have a question, please email me at Jeff_Cramer_3@hotmail.com. Until then, go spread your love. The opinions of Jeff Cramer do not reflect the opinions of The Contraband. If you follow his advice, you may experience certain unpleasant side-effects.
The first question comes from Lee Ann Grooves, who is a junior in nursing. She asks, "Who do you think should be the homecoming queen?" Before I answer this question, I need to suggest that we take a trip to two mystiforous places. First, we need to visit England because I hear it is full of royalty and is also a land of high-accented activities. It is a great country where people dress like it is the future, call us Americans colonists and say words like "groovy," "swing" and "bugger." Without words like these, characters like Austin Powers would lose most of their luster and die in a fit of monotonous orthodoxy. And let us not forget Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." The producers probably would have killed him off quickly if he had been American. The second locale we need to visit is Crystal's. I have heard it has some of the most fabulous queens in Lake Charles. Before ever going to Crystal's, I did not realize that Lake Charles had any royalty. I knew there were Queens in New York, but that I learned from "Coming to America." In conclusion, by default of my being too lazy to travel or drink anymore, I hereby proclaim that you, Lee Ann, may be queen.
My second question is from the Internet, or rather from a man who e-mailed me via the Internet and wants to be referred to as Q. I guess he likes Star Trek. He asks, "Why do older women hit on me, and why do women my age have kids?" Older women obviously hit on you because you go by "Q." If I went by "J," all of the older ladies would think I was from "Men in Black" and totally dig me with the hope of unlocking the secrets of an imaginative world of fantasy. The reason women your age have babies is because they had "the sex" and became laid with seed, or pregnant. This means they fell for one of the oldest stories in the world. They either bought into the "I love you" game, or they fell for the whole "Let's get married; I will love you always" routine. Everyone knows the only lasting relationships are with best friends or older people who cannot find anyone else. Of course, I guess this means you need to take your chances with the older women and love them, Q. Older women are like me, wounded souls looking for a nice bosom to lay their weary heads upon. Doth thy not believe in the love of the human heart. Doth thee not relish in the jar of life. Then love, Sir Q, and be loved. For death comes only to those alone and scared of love.
That does it for this week. If you have a question, please email me at Jeff_Cramer_3@hotmail.com. Until then, go spread your love. The opinions of Jeff Cramer do not reflect the opinions of The Contraband. If you follow his advice, you may experience certain unpleasant side-effects.