2008 Woodie Awards
The Uninformed Sports Report examines the Saint's problems
Brian Bradford
Issue date: 11/3/04 Section: Sports
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Separation of church and state is something that this country takes very seriously. As the team is not the Diocese of New Orleans Saints but the New Orleans Saints, the Saints' title is a blatant violation of the separation of church and state. Perhaps the NFL has some political agenda against the team because they are named the Saints. Those who lean politically to the liberal side have the uncanny ability to detect these violations, so they would undoubtedly be behind the Saints' downfall should this prediction prove accurate. This explanation may make more sense than we think, as it correlates with my rule of thumb: When in doubt, blame the Liberals.
I have heard that teams psyche themselves up before games to give them greater aggression. Apparently, the Saints are not doing a satisfactory job of this. To aid the Saints, McNeese should allow the players to sit in Burton Coliseum for 10 minutes while the ear-splitting buzzer goes off. After it drives them into temporary insanity, they should be able to go into a frenzy long enough to win a few games.
Holding on to the football is a fundamental aspect of football, or so I hear. Quarterback Aaron Brooks needs to be informed of this aspect so that he may apply it to his game. I am surprised that his teammates have not informed him of this because of the frequency of his mishandlings of the ball that tend to lose games.
When one player sleeps with another player's wife, I cannot see how this can be anything but detrimental to team chemistry. Perhaps if management went over this with the team and then placed the players in a morality course, team chemistry would improve. Then again, some people are just sick.
Maybe the fundamental problem with the Saints is that every team member in existence is dead. A saint is someone who has died and has passed on to a better place with a decent food plan and free water. No team of deceased players has ever won a football game, nor do deceased players seem to have the intensity displayed by living players.
If anyone else has any suggestions as to why the Saints suck, or what they can do to improve, you can email the Saints at WeSuck@ButAtLeastWeTry.com (not a real email address).